My name is Not Mara

When Naomi in the bible lost her 2 sons and her husband, she told her close ones to stop calling her Naomi and call her "Mara". The name "Mara" means "bitter".    The ironic notion of this is that her namesake, Naomi, means the exact opposite.  From Hebrew, it is translated to mean to be pleasant, sweet, delightful, beautiful.

Very few times in life,

 do we have paradigm shifts and defining moments 

that force us to face who

 we really are on the inside.

This year has been one of those moments for me.  

 You know that do or die moment?  The one where you realize you are all in and there is no other choice?

So, how I have been feeling this year!

1st, it was the exhilarating feeling that the biggest transformation of my life (260 lb weight loss was about to occur). 2nd, I am at the highest point of my career, dating regularly, traveling the world.

I mean, your girl is doing it!  Or, so I thought.

And then, the paralyzing fear came.  You know, the one that says,

1. I am glad you had fun, but now its time to step into destiny.
2. You do realize this is not about you, right?
3.  Your pain can be somebody else's freedom? 
4. This is a period of isolation, not rejection?
5. Pruning and preparation is never a painless process.

And, the whole time, I am thinking "But, I am still going through it?  How am I supposed to share a testimony I am still battling?".  Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!  None of it felt good, so I started fighting it.  Second guessing my intuition, pushing loved ones away.  Unconsciously, I had allowed myself to take on the "woe is me" attitude. Yeah, I got all this, but what about what I don't have?  Allowing the feeling of bitterness to be rooted in my heart started feeling like a knife cutting straight through my chest.  Countless areas of brokenness began to unravel themselves in every area of my life.

But little did I know, the Success is not in the testimony.  The Success is in the Battle.  The success is in how you fight the war.  Patience is not just about waiting, it's how you act while you're waiting.

And I find myself consistently failing miserably in the area of Patience.  Not letting the fear of letting go keep me from the victory of Faith in everything being restored?  Allowing my emotions to say things I don't mean, and later finding myself in a plethora of self-inflicted doubt and shame.

I finally said to myself,  enough is enough! I have decided whether he shows up the way I want him to or not, I am going to praise him anyway. 

So, I wrote this prayer.  I wanted to share it with anyone who has found themselves with bitterness and selfishness in their heart.  This season has taught me that your heart posture ("your worship, adoration, and praise") is the greatest gift you will ever utilize.  

I have learned many lessons in this season, and this prayer is predicated on the reasons below:

1. I will never be able to adore freely the ones around me if I do not adore the self within me.
2.  I don't want a bitter spirit.  
3. I want a spirit that loves God and people without limitations, no matter what they do.
4. I want a love that see's past human hearts and failures.  
5. I want to see the truth on the inside of every person. (What I can bear :-))  

Prayer:

I want to have wisdom, knowledge, and discernment in every situation..  Allow me Lord to praise you in the midst of the storm.  Let my faith be like a pillar of fire that can't be consumed on the inside of me, guiding and directing me every step of the way.

Oh, how God loves me that he is enabling me even now to see the victory on the other side.  I see it in every stride I make,  God got me and has had me for a while.  I thank him and I praise him.  My life would not be the same without him.

Where no weapon formed against me shall prosper and every negative thought to be silenced forever.  Let me be the Godly woman you caused me to be with a spirit of Deborah, the fight of Esther, the love and compassion of Ruth, and the faithfulness of Mary.  

Allow me to embody so many Godly characters in this new season of my life, that the Devil is defeated, even as I pray this prayer.  Peace, Truth, Light and hope is all over my life.  No matter how much I fight it, I have an advocate who always protects me and is never late.  He is my advocate even when I am unable to defend myself  Let the peace of God consume me and overtake me.  The God who lives within me is way more powerful than any adversity the enemy tries to bring against me. 

Lord, if you love me, who cares what others think about me?  Let me rest in that love.   Keep my soul, spirit and body useful for the kingdom. Allow me to genuinely care for others, but ultimately resting in you through all things.   Please help me to be humble, gracious, genuine, and transparent through this journey we call life.

The author and protector of my faith covers me in all things, even unspoken prayers that cannot be articulated in language or depth.

God, the holy spirit, the only true and living God, my Allah, my peace maker, my Jehovah Jirah, my provider, my friend, my Abba father, loves me.  The God Love! Agape Style!  I receive it. Amen!