05/25/2018 - Defining my Paradigm Shift

I have never in my life experienced a God moment like I did on Friday, May 26, 2018.  

I will never forget this day as long as I live.  Hence, the reason for my 1st blog.  So, life has a way of throwing curve balls at you and all you can do is catch them right?  But, what if they are all coming at 100 miles an hour, 3 at a time?

This is the emotional roller coaster I faced yesterday.  

I was at the highest of highs, but yet the lowest of lows.  I am in Paris,a place around me where all I see is couples in love embracing one another. 

And all I can think of at that moment is that I am still single, that somehow I am still just not "good enough".  Wow, talk about an Ego Bust. I am supposed to be this awesome, beautiful, loving, successful woman who is just not "good" enough to make a relationship to work?  I mean, how could that be?   

I excel in every area of life, but fail miserably, it seemed, in relationships.  So, on came the tears.  The self-pity.  I weeped and weeped. I felt hopeless.  

I am a woman of action.  If you tell me the steps, I will perform them and win.  I had done this in every area of my life, so I knew it worked.  You want to lose 260 lbs, you can do it 1 lb at a time.  Want to excel and get promoted constantly at work?  Never say no, and never stop learning.  Wanna know God more, pray a little harder.  But how do you apply these principles to relationships?  

The only glimmer of hope I had was maybe if I try just a little bit harder, it will all work out?  But damn, how do you give more when you have given all you can? How do you love out of more abundance when you have already given your abundance? 

What do you say when everyone says you're perfect, just not for me?  How do you look yourself in the mirror and say I am worthy after you have been told quite bluntly, over and over again, that you are not.  

So, what does this have to do with my Paradigm Shift?  

Everything and nothing at all, if that makes sense.  My paradigm shift has absolutely nothing to do with the words spoken to me by others, but had everything to do with how I perceived myself.

I decided to take a solo Euro Vacation because I wanted to fall in love with me again.  I wanted to fall in love with all the things that intrigued myself.  i wanted to stop all distractions and remember my purpose on life again.  I wanted to stop letting the thoughts of this world and others consume how I defined myself.  I had to define and recognize that I am who God says I am.  But Lord, how do you do that?  You can pray and meditate all day, but if no action steps are made, nothing will happen.

I have known for the past few months, that I needed a divine intervention moment, with myself.  

But this day, I was having a temper tantrum, self-pitying moment that was not helping me or this vacation. 

So, I did what every sensible woman does in that moment. I text my 2 best friends that I was feeling lonely in Paris, emailed my prayer warriors, and made a bad IDGAF playlist.  But, the problem was, I still cared.  I just couldn't stop thinking that right now, at this moment, my life was not exactly where I wanted it to be, and I was just not quite "feeling myself".

So, I lay in my bed and prayed and weeped a little bit more.  Still self-pitying moment.  Why even bother to climb the steps of Eiffel Tower?  Even though this was something I had been thinking about since I arrived in Paris. 

I mean REALLY!, Naomi?  I yelled to myself.

 4 years ago, I was 428.8 lbs and could barely walk a flight of stairs (20 steps).  Now, I just came from doing the Vatican (320 steps), leaning tower of Pisa (300 steps), and now I was about to be climbing the Eiffel Tower (720 steps). 

I mean, I am a bad ass, right?  But, what was the point?  To say I did it?  I had to have more reason.  So, I prayed again for reason, strength and purpose for the day.  And Boy, did he give it to me!

My day started with me riding on the train and a lady who didn’t even know English saw me crying and she started crying too and started hugging me.  She told me she could feel my pain. 

Then, as I am climbing up the steps to the Eiffel Tower, God shows me how when you look at things on each level there’s a different perspective. He said I want you to change your perspective because you’re going to a new level.  

I start to really enjoy myself, and then those thoughts crept in again.  You know, the sneaky ones.  The ones that make you cry out to God where are you? And where is your love?

 So, I turn the corner and run into an Indian artist selling caricatures  who tells me I am a masterpiece that was originally made for God and by God. How can a perfect God God create imperfection? Therefore I cannot be imperfection.  Then he told me that everything is already been planned so why am I worried about tomorrow? Instead of focusing on tomorrow, focus on today.  He also said you Have to learn what love is in order to receive it. You can only do that by truly loving yourself.  

"But the biggest problem you are having is you are the person that does not know that you are amazing."   

Then he made a caricature of me and bought me a cup of coffee and refused to take any money from me. 

So, now I am crying tears of joy because I am not forgotten.  God loves me, even in my weakest of moments. He shows his love through complete strangers in Paris. 

I really had to sit back and wonder why am I tripping?

Life was not going the way I expected, but favor and blessings were still at every corner.  And even more importantly, God got me!  

Even in my weakest of my moments, he showed that happiness will never come in a relationship.  I can never "prepare" myself enough to be "ready".  I have to let my need to control every situation go.  I had to learn that it's ok to not be okay.

That day made me want to experience life in a way deeper than I have ever before. I was finally ready to expose myself to all the uncertainty. Pain, pleasure, love. 

I have been so scared of these emotions, because of past experiences, past hurts. But when you get that ultimate God got me feeling, it changes everything. You’re willing to at least try and love the things that scare you the most. 

I would rather try than die living safe and comfortable. I am so thankful to God for this solo vacation.  It has changed my life and my perspective towards everything around me. 

So lastly, ending my evening, I am sitting at a restaurant enjoying happy hour, and a couple comes and sits next to me. The lady starts talking to me and tells me that she’s been married for 57 years. I ask her how does she do it and she say we just grew together. That’s what you need just grow together with somebody.  Before she leaves, she leans over and whispers laughingly, if you can’t grow with that person then be happy by yourself and get a cat or dog.   

I thought it was the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. It made life sound so simple and it made me realize how complicated I can be sometimes.  Even now, as as I’m writing this blog, I’m thinking, I can’t believe all of that actually happened in one day! 

I met random strangers who hugged me and love me and told me God love me. Where do they do that at? I had so many God moments. 

And to make matters even more interesting, My best friend calls me in  the wee hours of the morning and asks, why are you not writing a blog?  She said, you have a story that needs to be told, it’s time you start telling it. This was so much confirmation in my spirit. God has really been dealing with me about starting a blog. I am  very uncertain of the future ahead, but even more scared of staying stuck and not doing anything.  

My girlfriend told me yesterday "You tell me that you are in Paris like you are at Starbucks? Seriously do you realize the life that you live is one that others dream about? Please look in the mirror."

So, here awaits my Paradigm shift.  My moment of honesty, transparency, nakedness,  and vulnerability.  Today, awaits my hope and prayer for wholeness, clarity, and a strong sense of self.  I hope you will join me in the beauty that always unfolds when we finally tap into the real "me" that is on the inside of all of us.